- true story -
I am going to share with you a revelation. It began when I was watching "Notes on Blindness" on Vimeo one night, and for some weird reason my Spirit jumped. God was using this video to paint a picture of His heart for the blind Christians walking around. The next morning I woke up and actually lived (what I later realized was) a blind life. That night God put the puzzle pieces together and I am here to share with you how important it is to keep your eyes focused on your loving Maker. I can take no credit for this, the Spirit created these words, gave me an experience living through these words, and then God breathed over them. I pray that you connect to this metaphor and feel the intimacy restoring in relationship with God.
I am going to share with you a revelation. It began when I was watching "Notes on Blindness" on Vimeo one night, and for some weird reason my Spirit jumped. God was using this video to paint a picture of His heart for the blind Christians walking around. The next morning I woke up and actually lived (what I later realized was) a blind life. That night God put the puzzle pieces together and I am here to share with you how important it is to keep your eyes focused on your loving Maker. I can take no credit for this, the Spirit created these words, gave me an experience living through these words, and then God breathed over them. I pray that you connect to this metaphor and feel the intimacy restoring in relationship with God.
Today I woke up, got dressed, and went about my daily routine until I had to leave for work. I walked past my bible and a thought entered my head, “Am I living without God today?” I (unfortunately) answered myself, “Yes, yes I am. But it is okay. It is a beautiful day and I am feeling well to do. I have a beautiful God and He will understand.” Leaving my bible unopened, I got in the car and headed to work. I was feeling so free, so ready to take on the world with my own two hands.
That shift was udderly the worst nightmare I have ever experienced. I felt personally attacked in many areas. Coworker, coworker friends, talked behind my back about me...except I was standing right there. It was as if I wasn’t even present. My boss called and told them to make me work cash register at all times, as if I am not worthy enough to endure anything else that carrying forth this business holds. I felt degraded, cheated, and lonely. I reached out to customers and plastered a fake smile accompanied by a fake laugh to ensure them that I am having a wonderful day. I forced a smile talking to my coworkers, trying to love them in my own strength when all I wanted to do was scream.
I felt so incredibly lost.
Then, a miracle happened. They told me to make a Walmart run for bananas. I needed that moment alone in my car like it was the last thing I’d do. I needed to look my God in the face again. Repent, cry a little. And invite Him in fully. I sat in the silence and realized what a foolish decision that living without Him was. I spoke out to the still air, “Father, I need you. And it is not even an ‘I need you to bail me out of this situation’ kind of need. I desperately need you. I need you even in my good days. I need to walk every single moment with you.” When the final syllable of that prayer left my lips, a weight jumped off of my shoulders. The air lifted around me. The Holy Spirit filled my car. My God is here. He thinks I am wonderful and beautiful. He called me to this job to do every last dirty work to the best of my ability. He loves me and He called me to love them and show grace, even to my boss. I felt incredibly relieved.
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In the documentary, “Notes on Blindness” writer and theologian John Hull went blind in 1983. He left an audio diary of his experience. The video dramatizes his words using the recordings of his voice telling life stories.
The part of this man’s story that stuck chords in my Spirit and left me speechless was not the words out of his mouth, but instead the words of his wife.
His wife left an audio note explaining how she felt about his blindness.
“We have lost something close, something intimate. Something very special between us. I suppose the major loss for me is, you know, well he can’t see me. It really is as simple as that. I can’t look into His eyes and be seen. There is no beholding in that sense of being held in someone’s look. And I think that when you are very close to someone, that is a huge loss.”
--
Through her, I felt Spirit speak those words right to me.
“My heart is breaking. We have lost something close, something ever so intimate. We have lost something very special between us. The major loss for me is not the lack of accomplishing things through you, but instead, looking into you eyes and not being seen. I want to feel beheld. When I look into your eyes, I want to be held in your look. Then I can show you who I am, then I can show my love for you. When we are in a relationship this close, it is a huge loss.”
Every day spent with you is so precious to God. You are the joy of His heart. When you wake up and say yes to His plans for your day, all of Heaven rejoices. When you acknowledge His presence in a moment, and invite His Spirit into your day, His face lights up. In order to do this, we must open our eyes. We have to force our Soul to look upon the face of the Lord. To focus on it. Living a day with your eyes down, focused on the torments of this world breaks the father's heart. He wants to help. He wants to be intimate with you and provide so much peace, so much joy and fulfillment in Him that it doesn't even matter what is going on around you.
Awaken to His love, awaken to His gaze. Oh sleeper, arise and open your eyes to a new day. Let His love come in and shape your life.
